Nonsense & Sensibility
by BadFicChick
Summary: Summary of Prologue: What happened to the fellowship -and others- after Sauron's defeat


**Title:** Nonsense & Sensibility

**Author**: Bad_Fic_Chick

** Pairing:** Legolas/Aragorn 

**Rating:** Let's say PG for now.

** Warning:** Slash and loads of idiocy. Mocks some slash stories read on several different websites as well as the LOTR characters. Might contain quotes from various films other than LOTR..

** Disclaimer:** I don't own anything (though I wished I did). No offence to Tolkien , his work and all that. The story also is utterly incorrect in terms of the books and/or films. This story is not supposed to make any sense and so it doesn't. 

** Category**: Definitely AU.

** Summary:** Sauron has been defeated. Middle Earth is a happy place once more. Which does not mean strange things can't happen. As you will find out.

Prologue: The Middle Earth Chronicles.

Whatever happened to our heros and the ones we detested ? After a long search in the Middle Earth Library I managed to find the Middle Earth Chronicles (I couldn't come up with anything better, so sue me) which tell us a bit about what happened to them after they had defeated Sauron.

Sam Gamgee married Rosie and gave her 7 beautiful children. He got a good deal on them at the 7/11: Seven for the prize of six. Who can refuse an offer like that ? Well Sam couldn't. (sucker !)  
Taking care of 7 children was a full time job. Sam was happy to see Rosie slaving about the house, it made it so much easier for him to sneak out and run to Mr. Frodo for a quick shag, or as Sam liked to call it 'a quick trim of the verge'.

Frodo Baggins lived in the hole Bilbo left him and spent his days writing books on the effects of asthma attacks. He never once laid down his quill, not even when Sam came by for his daily shag.  
Quills make a very effective teasing tool you know. (Oh you didn't ?)

Merry Brandybuck was last seen running off with famous Hobbit actor Woody Jaheli. Rumour has it they eloped to The Netherlands and got married.

Pippin Took became the most famous – and only- mushroom cultivator of Middle Earth. He never sold much of his crop, mainly because he ate most of it before it could ever reach the shops.

Eomer never married and led a quiet life in urban Gondor.

Grima Wormtongue migrated to the United States of Ammonia. There he changed his name to Geraldo and became a famous talk show host.

The Orcs, Uruk Hai and other ugly bastards were almost completely and utterly wiped out and so a breeding programme was set up for them (eeeww) to save them from extinction. After a while the first Uglies were released into the wild . And soon became a pain in the arse again …….

Arwen married Aragorn (boo !) but later died of a broken heart (ha !) because Aragorn was always away on Middle Earth business. Or so he said. We all know where he really was , or should we say who he was with ?.

Saruman & Gandalf buried the hatched or their staffs of whatever it is wizard bury when they make amends. They became the most famous illusionists ever seen and toured the whole of Middle Earth and beyond with their own show. Like Grima Wormtongue they also changed their names for PR reasons and from then on went by the names of Siegfried & Roy.

Boromir. It was only later they discovered Boromir staged his own death because he couldn't stand seeing Aragorn & Legolas together any longer. He moved to a remote corner of Middle Earth where he became a successful helicopter pilot.

Theoden remained King of Edoras. There he bored himself to death playing Twister with Hama.

Faramir & Eowyn. Faramir became the steward of Gondor . Eowyn was happy just being the wife of the Gondorian Steward. They had one daughter, Martha.

Gimli became a successful garden gnome salesman and occasionally -to his own malcontent-got mistaken for one. As far as we know he never got tossed again – and we don't really want to know.

Gollum became a successful model for Benetton.

Elrond went to college and got a degree in International Law. He now works in Bangkok where he resides at the Hilton.

Galadriel & Celeborn moved to the West and are still happily married. They still have sex every two thousand years. Unless Galadriel has a headache . Then it's a tough break for Celeborn.

Legolas missed being around the hobbits and went to college to get a teacher's degree to at least be able to be around small people.  
He moved to Bree where he still teaches Kindergarten at Bill the Pony Primary School.  
He kept on being Aragorn's lover.

Aragorn finally had become King of Gondor. He had an excellent staff and therefore had nothing much to do but hang around the castle all day wishing he had never become King. Out of sheer boredom he began to take acting, writing and painting classes and he turned out to be an A student.  
He thoroughly enjoyed travelling his realm which gave him great inspiration for his artwork. On his travels he somehow always seemed to end up in or on Legolas's bed, couch, kitchen table or floor. Or pinned to a tree in Legolas' back yard.

One day Aragorn received word from Bree about the death of Master Butterbur. Sad as he was to hear of the passing of his old friend he was pleased to hear Mr. Butterbur had left him his tavern. Aragorn was always up for a new challenge. And that is where our story begins.

**Chapter ONE : No more blood for alcohol**

**(TBC)**

Feedback: Flame away ! This is my very first attempt at fanfic.  
I'm not aspiring to be a writer (hears sighs of relief) and I know that probably is a good thing.  
Just tell me whether I should try writing another chapter and why (not).**  
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